Filipino Classics Turned Sexy!

Thiswas one of my essays that I submitted for Maxim last year. I think it was too clever for it's own sake. So I hope you can enjoy it here.

Times are a changing and so should the classics! As we reinvent Philippine cinema in more verite ways, here are a few nice tidbits that would reinvent the past to fit the sensibilities of the new! Remake-mania is on!

Bituing Walang Ningning
Sharon Cuneta drama-musical from the Eighties is now transformed! Aleck Bovick plays Dorina Pineda -- an impoverished lass from Looban, Tondo -- who finds herself one of the three finalists for Philippine Idol. In order for her to win, she must use her talents in singing and baring (some skin) to get ahead from her two running mates . But will appearing nude in Friendster and AdultFriendFinder be enough to coax 35 million texters to give her the crown? What if the other two finalists (Gem Ramos
and Apreal Tolentino) have other tricks on their sleeves, and they’re aching to play dirty? Ngiyawrrr!!!!

Magdusa Ka
Dina Bonnevie’s melodramatic turn during the Eighties is now a Paul Verhoeven-like homage to sadomasochism as mother, Maricel Soriano, dons leather and lycra to dominate her sweet innocent daughter, played by real life niece Meryll Soriano, into seducing hot stud millionaire, Mark Herras. The Diamond Star shows us that she can crack that whip like no Halle Berry can and uses her womanly wiles to make a man out of Mark – using duct tape and a wooden paddle.

Insiang
Lino Brocka’s take on a polygamy on the household already bears much porn possibilities! How about changing the integral male into a female having sexual relations with both mother and daughter? How’s that for girl-on-girl action? Imagine sexy MILF-inspired babe Elizabeth Oropesa starring as an aging sex predator harassing nubile daughter Insiang, played by Jenny Miller, into coveting the sweet fruit that is Myles Hernandes. But can a threesome exist in such a small bed? Find out!

Bayaning Third World
This Mike De Leon opus can be refreshed if the “bayani” we are thinking of is not Jose Rizal but the newly revamped, ample breasted heroics of the one and only, Super G – played with booby aplomb by Maxim girl Angelica Panganiban. Angelica has to make people know that breast implants are the bane of society and must be stopped! But with implant villainesses Desiree Del Valle and Hazel Cabrera keeping her at bay, will our cute heroine save the day?

Pahiram Ng Isang Umaga
Ate Vi ’s tearjerker homage to “Camille” gets into the Zeroes era as the dying martyr, Gwen Garci, contracts STD while posing for the pages of FHM magazine. She seeks the help of Eighties stars Tom Babauta and Danni Vanni -- who play horny doctors -- to find a cure. But they can’t seem to get their hands off of her! Instead of wallowing in guilt, she goes around the metropolis killing all womanizing men and becomes the champion of monogamists everywhere.