A Big Stripesy Lie

I was cleaning my email and I came upon an old old article I wrote years ago for this sleazy magazine in Caloocan (the main publishing house still exists today).

It was supposedly one of new magazines for (straight) men. Since I needed money badly and had to pitch whatever the hell I can to get an additional paycheck, I innocently slipped an idea to the managing editor's about massage parlors.

I only had a small problem. I don't go to those places. I'm such a couch potato that I'd rather be in front of the television watching cable than spend money on women manhandling my bloated carcass of a body.

I had lots of former colleagues -- mostly art directors who adore debauchery as I (partially) did -- who frequent those places. With a tight deadline, I didn't bother interviewing them and made up this article. What I did was since I knew this people for many years, I made myself think that I was them and write the piece as if I was one who goes to these places.

I sent the article and waited if there was any reaction. A few days and I didn't get any response from them: a good sign that it would most likely see print.

I guess the editor never really doubted that I did the damn research. With my fugly looks, it would be easy for someone -- who doesn't know me -- to think that I would fit the profile of someone who'd go to the sleazy places.

Here's the article. I couldn't stop laughing while I tried to be so so all-knowing about these things. Enjoy.
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The Joys Of Massage Parlors
by Doy Ariola

I confess I am a massage parlor addict. I enjoy going to these tawdry and decrepit holes in Pasay and Kalookan.

I especially frequent them during November and December when most nights have become chilly, tedious and stressful.

I find it a sight for sore eyes when I see cheap little neon signs that promise cheap little thrills to get me through the night. Because, after all, I was a sucker for anything cheap. And admittedly, massage parlors appeal to a certain sleaziness in me.

But before I bristle any more hairs, I am distinguishing this article to those respectable massage parlors who only offer the real goods. I know that they know who they are, so let me just say that you're not the place that I am recommending.

I suppose I liked the attention the lady attendants give me when I partake ot their, ahem, services. They seem to have this amazing ability to unclench the knotted parts of me. The ability that have become valuable to me. And at a price I am willing to pay.

But as one would expect from patronizing something of value through the years, one develops a certain refinement of taste. Though I can be considered an authority (if ten years of going to these places can count enough to be an expert), I offer some points to remember when one suddenly has the hankering to patronize these oh so appealling establishments.

1. Let your fingers do the walking.
Before you start your adventure, it's wise that you shop around for the best massage parlor. Though asking around with your friends and colleagues is a logical step, I find the best (and discreet) way to start looking is through the Yellow Pages. The older the establishment is, it is most likely that you'd receive better service. Buy and Sell is also a great reference!

2. Know your Thai from your Swedish.
Surf in the Internet and get acquainted with the different types of massages available. By being well-informed, you know the risks involved of a certain technique. Though it would be rarity in most places, see if you find attendants who are licensed by the DOH or with a professional masseuse license. If she has one, then rest assure, the experience will be a pleasant one. In a rinky dink place, however, be forewarned that the massages available aren't exactly the learned kind.

3. Engage the buddy system.
I think you know the benefits for this one. But then again, pick a companion wisely. Make sure he truly knows what he's getting into. An experienced massage parlor enthusiast would be ideal. And any more than one companion might get a little rowdy.

4. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
When you enter the premises, let your senses speak about the establishment. Add "pogi" points to a clean and spotless environment. Though you shouldn't be so anal as to find fault in any massage parlor that you visit, the environment should be pleasant enough for you. And I mean that subjectively. My rule of thumb is that, if you don't smell a cigarette smoke lingering for less than a minute or less, then the
establishment is worth your while. And don't discount your "gut feeling". If something isn't right, chances are, something definitely is. Oh and another thing, if the towels are clean and smell freshly laundered, it doesn't necessarily mean that everything else is.

5. Ask for the right girl for you.
Most "massage dispatchers" will appreciate it if you tell them in advance what type of girl you'd like to receive a massage from. If you have certain preferences, better be vocal about it from the start. No use complaining if you didn't get the service you desired.

6. Make the most out of the facilities.
You shouldn't limit yourself to the massage table and the sauna. If there are other facilities around, make full use of them. Getting the full benefit of what is
offered is much more practical and fulfilling than getting some nookie.

7. Act like a Namfrel official.
A good indication of a massage parlor is its security. Lockers are a must. If they don't have it, request for place with lock and key where you can place valuables. Also, know the name of the person who gave them to you. But then again, it's more advisable that you enter the premises with a little money and your clothes on. Cell phones and other forms of jewelry only attract attention to those with bad intentions.

8. Go with the flow.
Though I advise you to keep a watchful eye over your belongings, you should lighten up bit and play the gentle, submissive partner. Do not be aggressive. Let the attendant handle the proceedings. If she offers something "extra", then it's up to you if you are willing to pay for the added service or not. But don't ever, ever impose yourself on her. It might lead to circumstances that you wouldn't want to be in.

On the other hand, don't be too hasty to accept her offer. Stow your libido for a moment and study her actions. It's advisable that you keep a conversation going from start to finish. Breaking the ice and then maintaining a friendly atmosphere works to your advantage (and believe me, it works). That way you can ascertain if she's the type for you. If sex seems inappropriate, it probably is.