Alternative Christmas

I wrote this article a decade ago, at a time when I was extremely annoyed with the forced merriment of the Christmas season as well as how it has become atrociously commercial. I guess all of you will agree with me that after years of Christmas, all you want to have is some peace and quiet. But like anything nowadays, commerce will have its way.

In my response to that I wrote this small essay for a defunct magazine LIFELINE during the early Nineties. I later tweaked it into an issue for Tsinoy.com, and later on refashioned it again in the last few issues of Business World's much heralded MenZone magazine.

People have responded quite well to this article and I get a good chuckle out of reading it again.

I am now posting this to my blog, hoping new people would also get a good kick out of it.

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HOW TO CELEBRATE AN ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS
by Doy Ariola

If you're one of those unfortunate lot who spend Christmas with the same old boring people too often, chances are you'd have this sinking feeling that this Christmas will be as brain deadening and uneventful as any of your other Christmases. Let's face it! Those sappy phone commercials won't tug a single heartstring in your body anymore. We just seem to be more jaded than before. There's nothing to look forward to. No more magic. Just sustained rigmarole to force people to part with their hard earned money. Even Christmas carols have lost their luster.

Don't you just wish something interesting happens for a change? Events that could trigger something quite memorable and lasting? Think J.R. Ewing being shot in "Dallas" or any heart-stopping plot twist in one of yourfavorite daytime soaps. But less violent or racy.

With a little ingenuity, we could change all that. Here are some inspiring suggestions to make this year's Yuletide season an unforgettably harrowing experience for the entire family.

a. Spike the punch with vodka and a moderate dose of your favorite anti-depressant.
Experiment with the right scrumptious concoction. But first, consult a pharmacist on the proper way to administer the drug. Making the entire household and guests hyper and inebriated, without them knowing it, is a great way for people to loosen up. And like an adventurer that I am, you would want to spice up the night by playing a lot psychedelic music. If there is a version of Marilyn Manson singing "White Christmas"
or Limp Bizkit's rendition of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", go play it to your family and friends. They will surely appreciate the warm thoughts you would like give out.

b. Mismatch the gifts.
In this case, you have to be a little sneaky. Take out all the tags bearing the name of the person it was supposed to be given and mix them all up. Would Uncle Ben be surprised that Aunt Sheila has given him a set of black pantyhose for Christmas? Or that Uncle Ben has gifted his niece with a new set of vibrators? Their dumbfounded expression on their faces will surely warm the hearts of the coldest person in the
room.

c. Whip up a Christmas feast they cannot forget.
Stow the Christmas ham. Throw that fruitcake away. Now's the time to be a chef du jour by creating edible masterpieces of morbidity. Instead of meat, sculpt a block of tofu into the shape of a buffalo head. Make your own festive bread by shaping the dough into the Nativity scene complete with livestock. The special guest gets to eat the sourdough Jesus. Together with this, cook up a storm using all things that are black and edible. Make some black pasta using squid and its ink topped on steaming hot black rice. Serve luscious black blood sausages with black eyed peas. You could even prepare "laing" without the coconut milk. Serve only black-colored soda or juice. And while everybody's eating together on the table, discuss the horrors of abortion. Forced misery always love company.

c. Invite the homeless.
Let them be the star of the night. Let your comfort be theirs for a little while. Bathe them, give them your clothes, and let them watch cable. But don't ever, ever feed them. (You might encourage him ) It makes the heart go warm to do something charitable for a change. After the party, greet them a "Merry Christmas", let him watch you eat and then promptly show him to the door. Here's another alternative:
invite a convict!

d. Don't go to the church of your denomination.
If you're Roman Catholic, go to a Greek Orthodox Church or a Taoist ceremony. Go anyplace where the ritual is unfamiliar to you. You could compare which religion is better, in terms of ceremony. If your family objects, tell them you would want everyone to widen their horizons, especially when it's Christmas.

e. Have a cheap-o gift contest.
Tell everyone in advance to buy everyone gifts without going past the two dollar mark. It's very important to leave the price tags on and the name of the person who gave it. The gifts should be wrapped in old newspaper. The winner with the lowest sum of purchases gets to be slapped in the face by every member of the household.

f. Have everyone crossdress for the holidays.
It's probably the best costume party ever (next to having a party in the nude). All guys should wear make-up, stockings and skimpy dresses. All females wear machismo-oriented fashions (complete with an accessory "bulge"). The best dressed crossdresser gets to be thrown out of the house and is forced to walk around the village, caroling entire blocks. Bring toy drums
for him to play.

Have I whet your creative juices already? Maybe you have other schemes that just sprang into mind. Whatever you choose to do, create a situation of trouble that would inadvertently lead to good cheer and merriment, even if it's a little manipulative and insidious.

Have a despicably Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year!

Oh, one last thing, whatever you do, don't burn the Christmas tree.